>If you're serious, it's your unapologetic stance that makes things worse.

When have I been serious? Don't you know that by now?

>Because I might as well be writing to the CNN.

What is so wrong about writing CNN? And you could write personal mail to them the way you write to me and Agham, anyway. I still don't see where and why you make a distinction.

>What is wrong with you?

I think I've already answered that question.

>Is it really in Dis that you're looking for
>fame, or to tell the message?

Eh? Weren't my statements about Sylvia and Rona integrated with this matter enough?

>YOU were the songwriter of the group, YOU
>were the leader. So when IMP disbanded, everything ended for you?

You know how this comes across to a guy like me? It's as if you put so little value in Joel's contribution to Imp. Yes, when Imp disbanded everything was over for me. I'm that way as a person.

>The point of the matter is that somebody said it. And yes, the most intense
>lambastos has always been yours, THAT's why I'm writing to YOU. I said I
>didn't like behaviour of some of the participants... that includes YOU.

So why exclude the others? Why just me? Is it because I'm the øDean or something?

>I'm not there for the "College
>of Chaos". I'm there for you, I'm there for my friends. I want to be there
>because of Hec, Vec, Pagan, Agham, and you.

And yet you can't seem to tell Hec, Vec, and Pagan, your friends, directly how you feel about them and their behavior regarding CNN.

>No. I say these things bacause I want to, and he has declined to speak. Why
>are you being so difficult?

Haven't I always been?

>If your dream was all that big I don't see any
>reason for it to go away so soon.

Perhaps to you a day just goes by. For me each waking moment is an eternity. I live each day wishing it were my last. That's how long and painful it is for me. That's how long it's been since my dreams of fame ended. Then again, maybe you're right. Maybe my ambition was really nothing but a passing fancy. You tell me.

>Why?!? WHY?!? You give up. You just give up. That's where I disagree with
>you. You make all your rationalizations about drugs and escapism. Bullshit.
>All of it is bullshit.

Indeed. All of it is bullshit. And that's what kills me the most. Whatever it is that I think about. Whatever it is that is important to me. It's all just bullshit. This whole life I've had has no purpose. No value. No meaning. It's all just crap. I'm a toilet that's backed up.

>You know deep in your heart that there's something
>good in this world.

My heart is nothing but a muscle that pumps blood throughout my body. Of course I know you didn't mean it that way.

>You have your friends to be a testament to that. Just
>because you have some unfinished stuff, it doesn't mean it's useless or
>hopeless to go on.

Yes, there are plenty other reasons why I feel it's useless to go on. You probably don't want to know. You don't understand a lot of things I do or not do anymore so what's the point? I don't CHOOSE to be hard-headed. The same way a scorpion doesn't CHOOSE to sting.
 

øLagoon
Dean, College of Chaos

There is only one thing in the world worse than being
talked about, and that is not being talked about.
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e-mail : lagoon@college-of-chaos.net